When someone you love passes away, part of your soul dies with them. They leave you with broken hearts and promises, missing moments and memories you’re dying to have back. It is one of the worst heartbreaking feelings the heart can ever handle. 

This pain will change you, change is good,  you will grow faster and stronger. This pain is like no other, it will make you stronger than everyone around you. Your heart will be a bulletproof, because nothing can hurt you more than this pain. This pain will make you want to work harder to be where they are. It will get you closer to god. This pain will teach you to appreciate the ones you love more, you will even grow closer to those who you love and care about. It’s a daily struggle within your soul. You’ll yearn to hear their smile, their face, their laugh, but they will visit you in your dreams, and they will tell you sweet things and guide you through life; my dad still visits me every night. You will come to a point where you love dreams more than reality. Because dreams become a better place to live in than reality. It will become your wonderland. It’s so sad when you wake up knowing that those dreams have become true and have become your reality. It will sometimes feel like you’ve been waiting for the lie to come true. It makes you even more sad that the only place you will hear their voice, see their face is in when you’re sleeping. It makes it hard to wake up after every night and every dream.

People think forgetting is hard, but in reality, remembering is. Remembering isn’t difficult, remembering is painful. This pain will never leave you, it will always be part of you, you just learn to live with it. The smallest things and acts could remind you of a memory you have with them. People say things get better in time, I have to disagree. Time heal no wounds, the wounds remain, they stay like an open wound. In time, the pain only lessens, but it is never gone. In time, things change, but one must come to terms with change. It’s very difficult, you will tear up so quickly when you hear anything of them, but a day will come and you will be able to speak of them with a smile, because they’re in a much better place than this world that is filled with broken hearts and hatred. Sometimes you will hear them calling your name because you’re so used to it. It is good to miss them, because there is nothing else you can do about it. It’s true they leave us, but the sentiment of the love you shared does not ever perish. It always stays within your heart and soul. This love doesn’t leave you as long you keep their spirit alive within your heart and continue to love them wholeheartedly. And those are the memories you live with everyday, those are the moments that keep you moving on. They will watch over you, you’ll feel their soul guarding you. Every time you will look up in the high skies, you’ll think of them. You’ll know they’re watching over you from up there. 

The sensation of love is akin to an eternal flame which never extinguishes. It’s so weird and interesting how it stays with us, often even kindling the flames to a new ardor. You live this life once, you go through it once. You will love people, care for people, and you’re going to lose people, but the love you leave with others,  will never be lost, nor forgotten,  so nourish your heart with love, for it will nurture your soul forever. Church those happy moments and church the memories in a world of pain and broken hearts.   

Today I went to see baba for the first time. This time it was different. I always see him at the airport.. picking me up, this time he was under the ground. It doesn’t hit you, until you really see it with your own eyes. I could actually feel that he can hear me. I touched the ground and started talking to him, I felt him there. He was talking back to me. I tried to hold my tears back, I dont like to cry in front of people. I never thought that I would be back and see him like that. Last time I saw him, was at the airport when he dropped me off. He hugged me tightly and told me to take care of myself, and that he will visit me soon. Well, I guess he will visit me, just in a different way this time. He will visit me when I’m asleep. In my dreams, where everything could be perfect. I didn’t want to go today, but It helped a lot. I thought it would make me very sad, but it actually made me happier. It made me so happy for a second, because I felt him. I could feel his soul around. It even made me want to work harder and strength my Iman and see him soon in heaven. It gave me a push to work on my final distenation and see him there. Ow I can’t wait to see his face again. I love you baba and miss you more than words can say. Please visit me tonight. I miss you. <3

I just found this. I wrote this back in the summer. Date: August 7th 2011. And I thought life was bad back then…  

I’ve been always known the optimisitc girl in the family, the one whose always calm and is never mad at anyone. I was never a person who complains about the simple stuff like “my nails aren’t perfect” or “there isn’t enough suger in my tea”. Once a open a time, I was a girl who is cheerful; who believes in prince charming and fairytales. people wonderded how do I manage to keep a smile on my face, how am I so sweet and caring to people; too caring actually. Friends would ask me how I manage to laugh when people make fun of my weird taste of music. Kids used to love my cheerful spirit. I used to draw all the time, drawing used to be my way of forgetting the world, I used to be the thing that sets me free, I enjoyed it.

As the years passed, and as older I got.. things started changing.”Life happened” I guess.. part of me died when I grew up, my sense of childhood died; I tured from Ms. cheerful to Ms. depressing. The sunshine in my life has gone. My smile was always there; it’s just not really real anymore.

I never realized this major change in me, until now. Until I completely isolated myself from the world. I don’t feel the taste of life anymore. I used to enjoy listening to a song I like, rides in the car with my sister used to be enough to make me happy, I don’t carry a sketch book anymore, my sense of creativity is gone, drawing doesn’t mean anything to me. I miss it.

Staying at home all day used to be a relief for me. Now, none of these things really have a meaning to me anymore; It’s like I feel nothing. I don’t even keep in touch with my friends anymore. I became antisocial. The simplest things in life don’t bring joy to my soul anymore.

I keep wondering, what has happened to me? Where did the sense of living my life to the fullest go? What makes me feel so alone when I’m surrounded by people who love me and care about me? Everyone would think I’m crazy and ungrateful for feeling this. Being so lucky and blessed with so many people and apportunites in life. I can’t help what I feel though.

The old me would try to find a positive thoughts in all this, would try to make things right, but the new me isn’t even thinking of changing anything.. isn’t even trying to fix anything. The old me would have appreciated the smallest things in life, would have appreciated the people who love me in my life. But I’m all stuck in the new me whose too lazy to do anything or change things. I’m giving up.. I’m surrending to the new me. When did I become like this? When did I become angry with everything and everyone around me? I’m still trying to figure that out.